Today is Amma’s Birthday. She passed away on October 23 2024. I I want to share the three posts I wrote when she died. The writing was a part of my grieving process as well. This year I had decided that I will make three trips to india to meet her. Made the first trip in May and spend time with her. The next one was planned for October 30th and then in Feb. But she left us before my second trip. Sometimes we are too late to decide.

On October 24 the day after Amma left us

Amma is no more… We lost our dad 36 years ago and it has all been Amma from then on.

When I got into college, graduated, took up ventures, she funding me, when I took employment after failing, got layed off multiple times, got married, kids, divorce, married again..She was always there asking.. What next.. Do you need help.. how is your health.. Try to take care.

She was that video call that comes whenever she has to say something. She wants to talk to all who are home. It is her number I call everyday first thing on my drive to office. Now she will not be on the other side of that number I dial daily.

I had always dreaded this day.. and played it in my mind many times.. a call will come from india with a news.. putting an end to this regular call I have…. yet it is painful when it happens.

Parts of life hit us hard when they are no more there. Making us feel that the recent past was so complete and perfect.

She lived a complete life according to her on terms. She did not care what others thought of her, but she always cared about other people‘s feeling.

As mom and son we fought over little things. Even on phone. When I felt she was treating me like a kid. Interfering in what I thought was just my business. For her there was nothing like ‘my business’ that was not hers.

But today I wish I was a kid, and I am being forced to grow up alone. Knowing that there will not be those waiting eyes on my trips to india, it is painful.

She was diabetic for the past 53 years so even at just 74 ( she would have been 74 this Dec) the diabetes had made things complicated. Yet we did not expect it to be so sudden. I was with her in May and had my tickets for Oct30 and then for Feb. But she had to be admittd to ICU on wed morning Oct23. I even spoke to her on video in the ICU. She was in good spirits.

We did not think it would be the last chat we will have. She left us IST 2:47 PM on oct-23

I am overwhelmed by messages from family and friends. For friends who went to college with me, our home was a home far from theirs and she was that mom who will feed them when they come.

She lived with my sister for many years after her retirement. My sister and her husband took care of her with all responsibilities as a daughter and son.

I was always far away.. a point of worry for her more often than needed.

When she is no more even the little thought of how ‘unbecoming of a son’ I was at times comes to mind and that too is a part of grieving process. Closure needs moving past that too.

Maybe a 23 hour journey home.. alone.. knowing she will not be there, is painful with memories flashing in and out.

We are not having any religious ceremonies as none of us really cared about them. We will use an electric crematorium in bengaloru & as per her wish take her ashes to our ancestral home and rest it next to where my dad and our ancestors rest.

And I will grow up to be my mother.

Bye Amma..
We will all celebrate your life… 🥰

On October 26 when I decided to end the grieving process

I decided to close my grieving process on my mom‘s death. Feeling grief and the grieving process are not the same.

Not feeling grief is not in our hands but ending the grieving process is completely in our hands. Today I end this process for myself.

Back to Life in all its vibrance as early as we can is the tribute we can give to the loved ones who left us

This means that phonecalls and visits related to her passing all should be replaced by gatherings as it was when she was alive. I met with a few of my friends yesterday and it helped get back on my feet. Will continue..

The ability to forget is such a blessing for us human beings. I wonder how difficult it would be if we cannot forget and move on with life.

I remember how my mother managed when two people close to her left in the same year. 36 years back she lost her father and her husband the same year. Her mom had passed away much before that.

In 1988 being orphaned and being widowed came to her together. Even today I cannot fathom how she pulled herself together for us kids. But that is what a mother does.

After dad‘s death mom was back in her school teaching kids against glaring conservative eyes of some in the family and society. She entered back into life finding strength just for us kids.

Those who felt how she could do it so quickly had to watch a strong lady move on with life as the society was busy taking a tab of what is right and wrong.

The goal for me and my sister and everyone who knew her is to get back to the flow of life with her memories and not brood over her passing. Celebrate her life and not mourn her passing…

Thank you all for your kind words 🙏

On November 3 when I was returning back to US and wanted to regain the rhythm of my life

Rhythm is an interesting concept. And in life we often go off rhythm. New job, Loss of job, new responsibilities, loss of a loved one, an accident, a sickness, the arrival of a new member, relocation, new love, lost love and so on. All these impact the rhythm. Some we realize some we don’t.

Finding that new adjusted rhythm after the event is an interesting phase. While we are tempted to force a new rhythm, we have to be patient for it to come to us and it will. We all have at some point in life gone through this rhythm change. More than a few times.

I recently read that though we might not want to force the new rhythm we can try to bring some order and discipline that can make finding a new rhythm easier. Order and discipline that are fully in our control are the ones we can work on.

Yesterday I went to the book store and bought around 20+ books of fiction in malayalam language which also included some boxed collections of short stories by my favorite writers. Once that I have always wanted.

These are books I don’t get in the US. It cost me Rs.10000 around $125 which is what you will pay for a family dinner in US.

Reading is a beautiful rhythm facilitator, so are morning and evening routines that we can come up with and have full control over so is journaling or writing. Do them and patiently observe for the new beats…

Like someone said “When the rhythm of life changes – dance to the new beat”

For Amma 🥰