In 15 years lot has changed. I have grown much older. I did not have a single grey hair then and now I can easily count the black ones.

2010 was a year of total uncertainty, a time when I felt so stuck, unable to move forward. More professionally than personally, but the toll was personal. Our personal and professional lives are so intertwined and one impacts the other whatever story we tell about managing them.

The 2010 picture was taken when I went to India and I still remember that when I returned back to the US, my power connection was cut due to non payment. The image is still clear in my mind, going to the PG&E office and paying money to get it reinstated. My mounting debt kept me awake at night. One might wonder how end up such a wreck after working in US for 10 years. We all amaze ourselves in the creative range of screwups we are capable of.

In my adult life I have at least 4 times been a major wreck. Looking back I find that all those times somehow life moved on. I don’t even think it was my ability, nor do I think I have seen all the wrecks in my life. But life has a certain kind of impermanence that will force us to move on. And being able to look back and write about it is a privilege.

Yes there is a smile in the 2010 picture which is not there in 2025. But that was a fake smile, a put up. One that I thought can hide the turmoil inside with a smile. But then we realize that we can fool the entire world, but the lies we tell ourselves about us, they will catch up on us. We cannot be our own foes. We should not.

Now thinking about it, as we start living your fifties we realize a few things. One that we don’t have all the time we once thought we had. We start accepting life as it is. We accept our limitedness and the brutal fact that we can never have it all. I left many of my pursuits for peace. We accept our life and work and failures and achievements and lack of it, all as it is, with no judgement. The world can judge, but we should not 😁

I am not saying I have figured it all now, but life seems more operable, much unstuck, more manageable. I still have no clue what will happen tomorrow. What wrecks await me ahead in life. What wrong turns and wrong decisions will land me in uncomfortable places. We are not really in control of the some of the most crucial things in life.

But one thing is clear. I am not going to reach anywhere different if I run. The destination of life is pretty crystal clear, only the time we get there is unknown.

An imperfect life can feel so more enjoyable and livable in a world where the trend is to over optimize every bit of life out of you.

Yes, I have lost weight, but it happened over 15 years. Changes are never immediate. Sometimes we make a change and painfully live through it for years and then we see some of it become visible.

Don’t force it, just live it.. live through it.. don’t over optimize.. live.. we will never lose the game of our life..