Hi Acha.. (Dad in malayalam)
It was not long ago, but much after you passed away, a day when I was very down, so low that I never felt I will ever lift myself up again I called home. I spoke to someone I see in a position as dear to you.
I told him ‘I was feeling low’ and he said
“When I was your age, once I was taking a walk with your dad, and he told me that there is nothing permanent in this world and that everything will pass and Time has the power to heal Like nothing else….”
That day I realized two things.
First that some things need time to pass and
second, what you say today can remain forever and so say things that can heal wounds that are yet to come…
I really don’t know what you taught me because you left me quite early, but there are things you have told people that have been guiding me even today and I want to list them here today from what my memory has been able to gather
- Time will heal everything
- My biggest asset are my kids (to someone who asked what assets you made)
- Take time to be still and think because everyone in the world is moving
I remember that when you died I did not cry, nor when your body was brought back in the ambulance, as your lifeless body was laid down on the floor and everyone had tears in their eyes, I kept holding. Some people asked that I cry, they said it is bad for me to hold it back…. I watched as people who loved you, people even I did not know showed their respect and sadness in your demise. I just watched…
Then when friends from my school came I could not hold back, somewhere I felt what I am going to miss, I still don’t know why I felt that, but my friends reminded me of your loss. I cried and I heard a sigh of relief from people around… that I finally failed in holding my grief from other people.
And then tears stopped coming and when they took you back to the ambulance and I sat with you and for the first time I touched your dead body. I still feel that coldness in my hand. I could not hold myself because the warmth that you had given me all my life was no more. I remembered every single hug you gave me… and that thoughts came on and on.
The next I cried was when I held that last dress you wore and I could feel your smell on it. I was so painful to know that I will never see, never have a conversation again…
Death is bitch but a fact we all have to experience ours and others.
And Today as I was driving to the zoo with Rahi, yes… your grandson… we passed the cemetery where there was so many flowers laid and he asked “What are these flowers for?” I told him it is because some people are buried when they are dead while some are cremated and their near and dear ones come and keep the flowers in remembrance.
He looked at some tombs that had no flowers and asked why there were no flowers. I told him that may be no one remembered them anymore. May be those who remembered them are no more…. they might be in a tomb next to them. The dead don’t think about the dead, only the living think of the dead. I am not sure if he understood….
I had to tell him more and so I told him that when I or his mom dies, we will not be buried or cremated as many others but we will be donating our organs and body so people can use it for other people. As an eight year old he said ‘ugh.. that is weird’….
Then he asked “I don’t want you and mom to die…. what happens to me, rhea and reyna if you both die?” I knew his question was very valid and that is a fear I had as a kid as well. And I told him “Don’t worry because we won’t die together and if we die we will only die when we get very very old”
It seemed that satisfied him and he said “I wish you both never get old”. I smiled and hugged him because even if he does not realize; what he said was very profound because the need is to remain young even when you age……
I told him “I and your mother will be young always, just as you want…” We then visited the Zoo and came back. I had some Glenlivet at night and listened to Tom Jones and Jim Reeves songs that you introduced me to…. It was a happy day and I miss you even today after 27 years..
Happy Father’s Day To You