Yesterday I went over some of my old posts and I felt they were not that honest as I expected them to be. Or I could not see myself in them. Even a bit of dishonesty in some of them. Why is that?
May be I have changed since I wrote them. May be I felt that way back then. May be that was me back then. I might have changed. Change is not bad. Change happens. Can we write something that will always feel honest. I don’t know. But I think we can write in utmost honesty in the present but not in the future or for the future. You are only honest in the present not in the past and not in the future.
Another feeling I got was that I was not writing some of those for me. I was writing it for someone else. For someone whose name or face or interests I had no clue of. I did not even know if they would read it. But I still wrote for them. Why is that ? Shouldn’t I be writing for me and not for others.
Why am I writing? To be a better writer..? Who defines a better writer? Is better writer a kind of recognition or does it really mean you have really become a better writer? Why am I even writing.
Lately I have been wanting to write half thoughts. Without waiting for their full formation. Like giving birth to them in words and then figuring how it grows. We don’t like how everything grows. Growth has a lot of factors tied to it. Growth would be different if the birth happened at a different time and place. So when thoughts are fully formed your writing becomes just a copying effort. I don’t know if that impacts what people call ‘being creative’.
Today I decided to write and I decided to be honest. I also decided that I will give these wordy births to half thoughts so they can grow in real time. No writing of mine will conclude. They will all overflow. They will all pass on to another day, another page, another form. They will reappear again and again or they will die at the end of every single word.
But I decide to write. I decide to write like this and many other ways here on. I will write just because I am free to do it. I will write just because I am free to do it in a world where many are not free to express themselves. Not because it has to be complete. I will write because I will be the vessel for half thoughts to be born in a world where perfection and completion stand guard and stifles free thinking and creativity.
I will give birth in different space and time than what is expected. I will not follow the norm. I will not write for you again. The you I don’t know.
I will just write